We often find ourselves going through life seeking some form of external validation, searching for someone or something to give us love and approval. While there is nothing wrong with wanting the approval of others, it’s essential to understand that the only validation that is permanent and significant has to come from within.
Change can seem hard. And sometimes, when we look at our life, it’s easy to get discouraged because we see so many things that we want to change. For so many of us, it can feel overwhelming to try to find remedies for areas of our lives we’ve struggled with.
For years Samantha thought she was a confident person, she didn’t realize that there were holes in her self-esteem that she was constantly trying to fill with external validation such as work and the opinions of others. But her life began to change and she found herself restless, depressed, experiencing bad dreams and completely emotionally overcome, often crying deeply as she described a child in a crib who would stretch her arms up and open, wanting to be held. And when changes began to happen in her life, it became more difficult not to feel overwhelmed – like it does for most of us.
Understanding the Pattern
One way to try to understand this pattern is to consider how we approach relationships. In essentially every relationship, those entering the relationship do so predominantly seeking to have their own needs, benefit, and pleasures fulfilled.
Healthy relationships develop through shared benefit, they aren’t one sided. However, in order for a relationship of any kind to be healthy, it must to be entered into by parties who are already okay within themselves. When we enter into a relationship with the purpose of seeking validation from our partner or having some emptiness or void filled, we will almost unquestionably end up not only invalidated but miserable and feeling even more overwhelmed emotionally.
The key is to recognize that we are experiencing these patterns. When we recognize the behavior pattern of looking to external sources for approval, we can begin to seek help, like Samantha did.
Recognizing External Validation
When Samantha contacted me, she expressed that she wasn’t in a relationship, but that she had this urge, this underlying want and need to be in one. This stemed from years of seeking external validation. And at times, she probably did find this feeling of being completed or whole, and validated, because of a relationship, but what happened when that relationship ended? Her validation ended with it. And she was likely worse off not only due to the loss of the validation, but the added element of feeling as though she were declared unworthy of being in a relationship with this person.
So, how do you achieve internal validation or self-validation?
It may not seem like an easy process, but it can be quite simple. Granted, the process might be challenging because it means being severely honest with yourself and reaching into the core of all that you are, but the process of looking within yourself for the love and acceptance you need guides you to a candid recognition of who and what you are, and it does so from a non-judgmental viewpoint. It concludes in you recognizing both your positive and negative qualities. Once you have achieved a sincerely honest relationship with who you are, I will encourage you to connect with and develop your positive attributes, and correct, replace, or simply argue away your negative ones. This process can take place in a number of ways, however, guided meditation is often the most successful, and I have created this one specifically to address this need.
While the process of reaching a level of self-validation may seem never ending, you will reach a point where you can look at yourself honestly and accept yourself for who you are. Yes, it is a process, but one with very real results. After just one week of using my guided meditation, Samantha reported that she felt a great improvement in her mood. Her dreams became calming and reassuring. She could sense that she was no longer reaching outwardly for the things she needed from herself.
As with most emotional experience that hinders you in some way, hindsight is always 20/20. For Samantha it came in the form of being able to see that she was much like a baby in a crib as she had described early on. She could see that she was desperately reaching out for something – love, caring, validation. But unable to attain it. Again with 20/20 hindsight, it’s obvious why she was feeling so overwhelmed and emotionally defeated. When she reached out she subconsciously was tapping into the pain and the need that at the time was never fulfilled, the more she connected to the pain, the more it intensified.
The great news is, there is something inside you that instinctually knows what you want and need, and when you expand that as a resource, you can accurately give it to yourself. Within two weeks of practicing the guided meditation, many of Samantha’s symptoms had subsided. She reported no longer feeling so emotional or experiencing the deep, child-like crying. She established a new core resource within herself and shifted her pattern from one of reaching outward to one of reaching within for the comfort and validation she needs.
You may have spent many years seeking the answers to your problems from external sources, but it’s never too late to rely on your inner self for what you need. Self-validation is simply a recognition that you are a whole person all on your own, and that you are perfectly made just as you are – no other being needs to complete you. You recognize that you don’t need anyone or anything external of yourself to affirm that you are acceptable as a person, you have the power to do that yourself.
Take a moment and reflect on the things in your life that you allow to have power over your significance as a person and remind yourself that you are worthy just as you are. There’s no need to go another day seeking validation from outside sources. Simply sit back and listen as I guide you step-by-step into a state of self-validation and watch your world change for the better.